Maybe You Aren't Straight?

*Please enjoy the excessive lesbian lovin’ in honor of Lesbian Visibility Day*

  

When I was 22-years-old, I had a slumber party with my best friend (this is not going where you think it is—sorry). I was crying on Natasha’s couch (her chosen pseudonym) telling her about this woman I was totally in love with. I had confided in Natasha months prior that I wanted to be with this woman—we’ll call her Anne. Anne had blown me off and I was torn up about it. I was sobbing on Natasha’s couch, telling her how much Anne meant to me, and complaining that my romantic feelings for Anne obviously were not reciprocated.

Natasha asked, “So, if Anne wanted to be with you, like have sex with you, you would?” I readily responded, “Oh yeah. In a heartbeat. I’m in love with her.” My friend then patted my back and kindly suggested, “Maybe you aren’t straight?” I automatically responded, “No, I’m straight. It’s just Anne. She’s special.” My response wasn’t defensive, just ignorant.

My patient friend Natasha further suggested, “Well, if you can feel this way with Anne, maybe you could feel this way about another woman?” *Mind blown* Maybe I could feel this way about another woman! Also, did I mention that I had a boyfriend at the time? Yeah, I wasn’t super into him. In fact, I had blown him off on Valentine’s Day, because why would I assume my boyfriend wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with me? Weird.

Natasha had watched me drool over Anne and completely disregard my boyfriend—we’ll call him Paul—for months. I kept telling her I thought I should break up with him. Eventually Natasha asked, “How would you feel if you found out Paul was sleeping with other women?” I scoffed/laughed and said, “I hope he is! That would make this so much easier for me!” Hindsight is 20/20, my friends.

Naturally, I dated Paul for another couple months. In the meantime, I replayed my friend’s question in my head every night. “Maybe you aren’t straight?” Eventually, I found the only logical answer to her question… I was bisexual! In a few more months, I warmed up to the L word.

Natasha - thank you for your friendship, your patience, and your fantastic questions that made my lesbianism visible to myself. You’re amazing and I love you. 

To all my lezzies and lezzie allies, happy Lesbian Visibility Day! 

Clitourists

I went on yet another first date last week. When I arrived she seemed really nervous. After chatting for a few minutes, she said, “I feel like I should tell you that I don’t really know what I am. You said you’re a lesbian, but I’m not really sure that I am. Maybe I’m bisexual? I really don’t know. I feel obligated to tell you, because I don’t want to waste your time.”

First of all, kudos to this woman for being so honest and straightforward. I really appreciated her openness. I asked her if I was her first girl date and she responded, “Well, technically no, but my first girl date was only a few days ago, and this is my second.” We then commiserated about how stressful and confusing the figuring it out phase can be.

Generally, I don’t go on dates with women who are “figuring things out.” Since it took me so long to find the L word, I’d like to find a woman who is at a similar stage with her sexuality. On dating apps, I pretty much swipe left on all women who identify as bicurious, heteroflexible, unicorn-hunters, or indicate that they are “experimenting.” I want a relationship, and I don’t want to waste my time with a clitourist.

My general rule against experimenters is complicated by the fact that I like this woman. Buuuuut, what if I fall in love with her and she’s actually straight? What if we date then she breaks up with me for a man? Worst case scenario, I fall in love with her, we have sex, and this is her reaction:

I don’t want to ruin lesbian sex for a baby dyke. It’s too much pressure! Cashing in lesbian V cards seems like a job for a more seasoned lesbian than yours truly.

After a fun coffee date, we walked toward the exit of the cafe. The moment our feet hit the sidewalk, she practically ran away from me. She said bye while race walking toward her car. This brings me to my final concern; I want to be with someone who is ready to be with me. I want a girlfriend who wants to be with me and isn’t scared of wanting to be with me.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "This whole fucking blog is about your lesbian confusion. One year ago, you were basically this woman you're describing." Fair enough, wise reader. I was her one year ago (I ran away from a few of my first girl dates, too). Because I was her one year ago, I know how much turmoil and growth she has ahead of her. I'm ready for a serious relationship, and I only want to date women who are ready for the same. There's no way I was ready for a relationship when I was in her shoes—hence my hesitation.

Since I like her, I’ve decided to schedule a second date, then take it one date at a time. If I continue liking her, I guess we’ll figure out the rest? It could be fun to introduce a baby queer to the joys of lesbianism. ;)