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Monday, January 15, 2018

You’re a Lesbian?! Can I Ask You Some (Deeply Personal) Questions?

Sometimes when I’m out with friends, they introduce me to their sheltered friends. The ones who grew up in rural townslike my hometownwho have never met a real, living, breathing LESBIAN! When they find out I’m gay, it usually goes down the same way: (1) they look at me astonished thinking to themselves, “But she looks just like us?! How could she be gay?” (2) They ask if they can ask me questions, to which I always say yes. I went out to have fun, didn’t I? (3) When I tell them they can ask anything, I see that little twinkle in their eyes. We’ve barely had our first drink and they start laying on the questions hard. Here is a list of REAL questions I’ve been asked in these situations, along with my favorite responses:

1). Is sex better with women?

It is if you’re a… lezzzzbian!

2). Have you ever had sex with men, though?

Been there, done that. Have YOU ever had sex with the same sex? Sounds like you can't rule it out then?

3). How did you know you were gay?

How did you know you were straight? Oh, you wanted to have sex with men, you say? It’s sort of like that, except replace men with women.

4). How did you not know you were gay until 22?

Heterosexuality is pretty pervasive. Though I always wanted to sleep with women, I never considered that I might be gay. I thought all straight girls liked women the way I did, because obviously I was straight. It wasn’t until my friend suggested, “Maybe you aren’t straight?” that I actually entertained my interest in women. (This story will be explained in another post.)     

5). If you like dating butch women, why don’t you just date men?

Ahh, my favorite question. I’m so glad you asked. My dear straight male friend, you like feminine women, right? So, you could just date feminine men then? Oh, you don’t want to do that?!

6). So, you’re gay, but you don’t go down on women, right?

Are you, my straight male friend, into anal? Oh, I’m sorry, did that question make you uncomfortable? Perhaps that's because it’s none of my business? Hmm. But also, yes... because I'm gay.

7). How do you decide what to do during sex?

Queer people have this secret weapon, but don’t worry, you can use it, too! It’s called communication! You ask your partner what they want to do, you tell them what you want to do, you provide each other feedback, and that’s how you decide what you do. 

Straight people, please start using this. If you asked this question, I feel bad for anyone who has ever been intimate with you.

8). Who wears the strap-on?

SEX DOES NOT REQUIRE A PENIS! But, if we do decide to use something, we use that crazy communication tool again.

Also, I want to add that ONLY straight men ask #6. This is a real head-scratcher for me. First, why can’t straight men wrap their heads around women being intimate with each other? Second, what’s with the vagina phobia?! I’m so sick of men acting like women’s vaginas are gross or smelly or whatever. Whenever this happens, I always insinuate that the man may be gay if he doesn’t like vaginas. I know, I know, this is not the PC response, but these guys get so offended when you question their sexualities! They melt down! They defend, “No, no, no. I’m definitely into women.” Then I skeptically inquire, “But are you, because it sounds like you think vaginas are gross... doesn’t seem super straight to me. Maybe you and I are playing for the same team! Eh?” I’ve learned that this will result in a very angry straight man, and a very awkward rest of the night, but that won't stop me. So straight men, if you ask me this ridiculous question, buckle up, because I’m going to assault your fragile heterosexual masculinity.

Another side note: Straight men are always the ones asking the logistical questions about lesbian sex. Men, if you’re really this confused about how to have sex with a woman without using a penis, your poor girlfriend is enduring some REALLY bad sex. You better just give her my number. *winks while shooting finger guns*

1 comment:

  1. Yes !! I love how down you are to educate, even when it's mostly just straight men being absurd and problematic. I still can't get over this legendary drag: "Queer people have this secret weapon, but don’t worry, you can use it, too! It’s called communication!"