I recently had a breakup. Don’t worry, I’ve transitioned
from the Celine Dion playlist to the Kelly Clarkson playlist of the
post-breakup. This was my first lesbian breakup. Did I unlock some sort of
lesbian achievement? No? Let’s just take a moment to imagine what a lesbian
achievement would look like… Probably something like this:
Anyway, aside from the obvious heartbreak and disappointment,
I had one feeling of loss that I hadn’t expected. I went from being a visible
lesbian back to an invisible lesbian. You see, my ex was super butch. Once I
was complaining that no one knew I was gay, and she jokingly said that when I
was with her, I was “gay by association.” All jokes aside, this was totally
true. When we went out together, I became a lesbian in other people’s eyes. Oh
boy, did I love it! People would look at us as a couple and know I was gay. It
was fun and validating and liberating (and sometimes scary), but mostly it felt
like I was really out.
After we broke up, I found myself missing that visibility. I
felt like I took a step back into the closet. Obviously, my gayness is not
dependent on another person, but having a butch girlfriend certainly helps when
you look the way I do. *rolls eyes at my straight aesthetic*
In addition to the visibility, I missed her network of
lesbian friends. I wasn’t close to any of them, but I loved hanging out in a
room full of lesbians. When we went out, it was either all lesbians, or the
lesbians outnumbered the straight people. Don’t get me wrong, my lesbian gurus
are my rocks, but I only have five. My resolution for 2018 is to find more
lesbians… for friends, for dating, for UHauling?? Who knows what 2018 has in
store for this little chapstick femme?! But seriously, I want to surround
myself with lesbian friends so I can access that “gay by association” space
that feels so cozy.
If you still need more friends. I am here.
ReplyDeleteC.
Thanks, C <3
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