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Thursday, March 1, 2018

A Failed Femme

I’ve been on this weird spree of dating feminine women. Not just semi-femmey women like me, but full-on lipstick lesbians. Per usual, I’m confused about it. I’ve been seeing one particularly cool hyper-femme lesbianI’m talking fully contoured with highlighter and all.

She’s smart, funny, silly, assertive, and totally wonderful… are you ready for the but? Here it comes… BUUUUT I’m hung up on how or why she’s into me. She doesn’t really have a type, but she does like that I’m feminine. She’s really nailed femininity while I’m barely passing with a C-. Why would a feminine woman who has mastered femininity be into a woman who is so clearly FAILING at femininity? Basically, I feel like she’s a successful femme and I’m a failed femme. I’m mostly femmey, but I don’t wear makeup. I don’t really do my hair. I don’t coordinate my outfits. Actually, I don’t do much of anything to look presentable. Meanwhile, she’s over here killin’ it on the daily. 

Oooh baby, bae-bay! Anyway, you get it, she’s gorgeously femme.

When I voiced this concern to one of my lesbian gurus, she told me I was being stupid. She said, “You’ve got to get over those fucked up ideas about gender roles. Just because she’s femme doesn’t mean she’s only attracted to masculinity.” In my head, I 100% agree with her. However, I can’t help wondering if she would be more attracted to me if my gender presentation was more successful, whether it be androgynous, femme, butch, futch, or whatever.

So, when she tells me I’m beautiful or she thinks I’m pretty, this is my reaction:

The most fucked up thing is, when butch women tell me they think I’m cute, I believe them! I think it's because I think, “Well, she's butch, so relative to her, she thinks I’m doing okay in the femininity department.” But coming from a gorgeous femme, I’m unfairly skeptical. I know this is fucked up. I’m working on it. *Smh at myself*

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