I’ve been in love with two women: one femme and one butch.
When I was in love with a femme, I always thought, “Gosh, femme women are my
cup of tea.” But then my first girlfriend was butch and it totally flipped. I
thought, “Wow, butch women are gorgeous. I’ll definitely marry a butch woman.”
Well, here we are again, and I’m just as confused as ever.
My favorite character on the L word was Bette, by FAR. She’s
a gorgeous femme and a total heartthrob:
But then there’s Rachel Maddow:
*swoons even harder*
Obviously, personality matters WAY more than physical
appearance. I truly believe that I could be physically attracted to anyone if
she had the right personality. But, I would find comfort in having a “type.”
This probably stems from my love of categories and labels. I know, I know,
labels put people into boxes and erase individuality. However, categories make me feel understood and less alone. If
I’m a femme who loves butch women, I can bond with other butch-lovers about our
butch-lovin’ (*trademarks butch-lovin’*). If I’m a femme-loving-femme, I can find
other femme-femme couples who understand me. It’s really about finding people
who get me, which is hard since I don’t even get me.
My lesbian gurus think this is absurd. I should just date
the whole spectrum of women and allow myself to fall for whoever is kind,
funny, smart, thoughtful, and loves Beyoncé (duh). But, I can’t help but wish I
had more clarity in what/who I’m looking for.
When I dated men, I always dated the same type of guy. They
were all tall, skinny, and super nerdy. Usually they wore glasses; the glasses weren’t
mandatory, just strongly recommended.
Now I’m dating women, and the plethora of women who interest me blows my mind! Are
lipstick lesbians cute? Sometimes. Could I picture myself in a relationship
with a lipstick lesbian? I can’t, but I also couldn’t picture myself with a
butch woman a year ago and that felt right. It’s confusion all around.
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