Chapstick Chapstick

Monday, August 27, 2018

Massage Madness


About a year ago one of my best friends, Natasha, told me to go to this local massage place to get a massage from this adorable butch woman, Amber. Natasha said, “Amber is so perfect for you. She’s spot-on your type (i.e. older, butch, and brunette) and the two of you would be so compatible personality-wise.”

I never actually went and got that massage.

About 8 months later, this OTHER friend of mine, we’ll call her Frankie, called me:

Frankie: Giiiiiirl, I just got the best massage from the cutest butch woman. She’s EXACTLY your type and the two of you would be perfection.
Me: Ooooh really? What’s she like?
Frankie: She’s super nice, about 10 years older than you, and brunette.
Me: Wait, does she work at [the place Natasha told me about]?
Frankie: Yeah!
Me: Waaaait, what’s her name?

You guessed it, pals. Her name was—drumroll please—AMBER!

I called my first friend, Natasha, to report the news that Frankie got a massage from Amber and had the same feedback about me needing to date her immediately.

After some deep Facebook diving, the three of us discovered that we were actually talking about TWO butch, brunette, 30-somethings, named Amber, who worked at the SAME massage place, whom I am destined to marry. Wild, right?

Fast forward another few months to my birthday. Natasha and her lovely boyfriend bought me a 1-hour massage at the massage place where the Amber heartthrobs work. Natasha presented me with the gift and suggested with a devious smile, “We thought you could schedule a massage with Amber and see who you get.”



I loved the idea. When I called to schedule the massage, I asked, “Can I schedule that with Amber?” Instead of asking which Amber, the woman on the phone simply responded, “Of course. Amber has a Tuesday evening open. Does that work for you?”

I have no idea which butch beauty will be giving me a massage tomorrow evening, but I’m very excited regardless. Wish me luck, lezzies!

Friday, August 17, 2018

Men vs. Women on Dating Apps


One of my guy friends asked me, “Is it different talking to women versus men on dating apps?” After receiving an emphatic YES, he inquired, “How is it different?” In honor of my buddy’s inquisition, I'm writing this blog post.

Since I used to be “heterosexual” and then “bisexual” on my dating apps, I went back through my history to find some of my favorite first messages from men. Let me repeat, these are the FIRST messages these men sent to me. I expected creepy messages from men during conversations (which I got PLENTY of), but I was always baffled by some of the first messages I received. Here are a few of my favorites:


*To protect the identities of these charmers, I put little animal stickers over their faces*


Questions I have about these messages:

1) Does asking women if they’re “dtf” ever actually work?
2) Do women ever ask men to be their boyfriends in first messages? This happened to me a LOT with men, but has NEVER happened with a woman.
3) Let’s all just imagine a woman sending the message, “I got a vagina that needs serving.” (I hope you’re laughing as hard as I am about this.)
4) So many men asked me to be their “sugarbaby” or “sugarbabe.” To all the straight and bi women reading this, did you ever get these messages? Or does something about the way I look scream “sugarbaby?”
5) Does “tryna chill” mean have sex? I wasn’t cool enough to decode many of these messages from men… Women’s messages are so much easier to read, fyi.
6) To the man I covered with an elephant: Dude, you have got to step up your game. Don’t tell a woman she looks like a man in your first contact. Ideally, you wouldn’t tell her she looks like a man ever, but it’s definitely a bad call for your very first message. 

I started making a first-messages-from-women image, but it ended up being too boring to be worth the time. Basically, the messages all said something like, “Hi [Chapstick Femme]. How are you?” The MOST unusual message I’ve gotten from a woman said: “Your eyebrows are so powerful. Wow. 😍”  An extraordinarily sweet and unique compliment.

In sum, women aren’t creeps. I’ve NEVER gotten a first message from a woman that felt weird or gross. Yet another reason to #gogay, ladies. ;)