Aggressively Coming Out

As many of you know, I’m forcing myself to say “yes” to new experiences. About a month ago, I entered my name in a raffle for a “pampering experience.” I LOVE entering my name in raffles, even when I have no interest in the prize. Is that weird? Annnyway, guess who won the pampering experience? Bingo. It was yours truly.

When I got the call, I assumed I would be going to a spa to receive this “experience.” I accepted the offer before realizing that I was talking to a woman who sells beauty products, i.e. I would need to meet this stranger either at her house or mine. First of all, I had already said yes, so I couldn’t weasel my way out. Second, I was supposed to be saying yes to new things. I mean, I didn’t die on my trip to NYC to meet a stranger (see this post about my first potential murderer meet-up), so I scheduled an appointment to meet her at her house.

I went to her house last week. My pampering experience included a hand scrub/treatment, a charcoal mask, and a makeup demo. Side note: I didn’t realize makeup would be involved… I let her put it on me, but it was weird. I drove straight home after to wash it off.  

This lady was totally crazy and super fun. Picture a 50-year-old, quirky, excited, blonde, Stepford wife.    

We were having a blast chatting while she beautified me. She made a joke at her husband’s expense, then leaned in and was like, “Us girls can make fun of the men, right?” She made a few more “you know how men are” jokes. After about 30 minutes, I decided I was going to unleash the kraken… the GAY kraken!

I decided that the best way to do it would be to tell her about my girlfriend. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right—I don’t have a girlfriend. Details shmetails, whatever! I decided I would pretend the girl I’ve been seeing was my girlfriend. I knew she would be totally on board with the lie for the entertainment of the Stepford wife’s surprise.

We got to the makeup portion of the demo and I confessed that I didn’t wear makeup much. "Buuuuut," I said, “my GIRLfriend does.” BOOM! GAYBOMB! I waited for her jaw to hit the floor, but I got no such response. She replied, “Oh I get it, some of my girlfriends wear WAY more makeup than I do, too. Tehehe.” I thought to myself, “Oh honey, we are *not* talking about the same type of girlfriends.” Although, who’s to know what the Stepford wives do together in their spare time… wouldn’t I like to imagine… ehem, sorry, back to the story.

She didn’t get that I was gay, so I decided to come out even harder!

Somehow, we started talking about Sephora and she asked, “Have you ever been to Sephora?” I said, “Oh, my girlfriend LOVES Sephora.” Then she giggled and asked, “Does she make you go there?” I replied, “Oh, you know she drags me there!” Then I made a little annoyed face, as if to say, “The things you do for love, amiright?!” She laughed and said, “My friends make me go there sometimes, too!”

I was so confused. Did she finally know I was gay, or was she still thinking I was talking about a friend? Initially she responded with “girlfriends” (plural), but after the Sephora conversation, she started saying “girlfriend” (singular). I decided I’d better lay it on harder, just in case.

She started asking me about my job. I said, “Well, my girlfriend is a (fill in occupation), so she’s really the smart one.” Then I did a little smirky face. She acted all impressed and was like, “Wow, both of you are smarties!”

Still unclear. Then she asked if I wanted to review her makeup catalogue. I thanked her but made the joke that, “I’ll leave the makeup to my girlfriend. She would laugh at me if I came home with this foundation, because we both know I wouldn’t use it!” We both laughed, but I STILL couldn’t tell if she got it.

Then she gave me a flyer about the makeup and said, “I know you won’t wear this stuff, but if you want to give this to your friend, she might be interested! Plus, if she enters the raffle, you guys could win a trip for two!”

Me:

What the fuck does that mean? At first, she said “friend,” so I was like, “Nope, she didn’t get it.” But then she said, “You could win a trip for two,” which felt like it had a romantic implication, right? I left SO confused about whether or not she knew I was gay despite my aggressively coming out for 2 straight hours.

Ready for the best part? She asked me to coffee next week! She said it was fun talking and that she’s working to be a mentor in this beauty organization and needs to practice mentoring women as part of her training. She said we would get coffee and just chat more about her products so she could practice her spiel. She then grabbed the lip treatment that we had done and said, “And, as a freebie, I’ll bring some of the lip treatment you liked!” So, I’ll be getting coffee with my Stepford friend next week for two reasons: 1) I need that lip treatment to keep my lips healthy in order to live up to my chapstick femme title, and 2) I MUST continue my coming out shenanigans with her. Maybe I’ll show up in a pride shirt! You’re right, that’s way too subtle for her. I’ll wear this: